


It's not aerospace engineering

by Sorran



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crack, Eugene and Abraham are roommates, Squirrel Eugene, college au of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 19:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7770715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sorran/pseuds/Sorran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eugene is looking for a job; his roommate Abraham has a suggestion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's not aerospace engineering

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MermaidSheenaz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MermaidSheenaz/gifts).



> A few months ago, [MermaidSheenaz](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MermaidSheenaz/pseuds/MermaidSheenaz) said she could write a whole meta essay about "Chupacabra". When I expressed an interest in reading that, she told me she'd write it if I wrote the squirrel!Eugene furry porn we'd been joking about. So here we are... :D
> 
> Thanks to [Tiofrean](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiofrean/pseuds/Tiofrean) for betaing.

Eugene eyed the front of the run-down warehouse with suspicion. “Are you quite certain we are at the correct coordinates? This does not look like a location where I am likely to be able to amass financial wealth.”

Abraham chuckled. “Oh yeah, we’re in the right place. And if the Gov likes you, you’ll be making a mint. Trust me!” Slapping Eugene on the back, he stepped up to the dented metal door saying ‘Woodbury Productions’ in cracked black lettering and knocked sharply, making the metal ring hollowly.

The door was yanked open almost instantly. “What?” a young hispanic man with closely cropped black hair spat. As soon as he saw Abraham his scowl lifted however, and he stepped outside to offer his hand. “Abe!” he grinned. “What’re you doing here? Missing work already?” He winked.

Abraham clasped the offered hand. “Something like that. Brought my roommate here”, he let go of the man’s hand to indicate Eugene with a small wave, “to meet the Gov, see if he can’t get a job.”

The black-haired man looked Eugene up and down before raising an eyebrow at Abraham. “You’re rooming with Elvis?” he snarked.

Abraham’s guffaw was met with the man’s toothy grin, which Eugene returned with an impassive stare. “It is emotionally immature to mock the prowess of my hair game to mitigate your own lack of said game.”

The man’s grin turned into a frown. “What was that?”

“He said it’s childish to mock his hair do to make yourself feel better about your lack of style”, Abraham translated, causing the man’s eyebrows to shoot up.

“ _My_ lack of style?” he snorted. “Yeah, whatever.” Shaking his head, he stepped aside and waved Abraham and Eugene in. “Go on in, the boss’s in his office.”

“Thanks, Martinez”, Abraham said, clapping the black-haired man’s shoulder in passing - something he liked to do, probably to assert his masculinity, as Eugene surmised. “‘Preciate it. See ya later.”

“Not if I see your ugly mug first”, Martinez shot back, and Abraham lead the way into the warehouse with a chuckle. 

Eugene followed his friend unhurriedly, taking the time to look around as they made their way deeper into the building. It quickly became apparent that it was not in fact being used as a warehouse, partitioning walls and false ceilings rendering the space unsuitable for that purpose. 

They walked past two open doors, one on either side of the corridor, the rooms behind them dark and giving no indication as to what they were being used for, but the third and fourth doors were closed, and by the time they made their way past the fifth door, Eugene had arrived at a conclusion.

“This is a production site for the adult entertainment industry”, he stated.

Abraham stopped and turned to regard him with an open mouth. “Damn, man! What gave it away? You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

“The soundproofing properties of the wall paneling are inferior”, Eugene shrugged, and now that he mentioned it, Abraham realised he could hear the faint but unmistakable sounds of people doing the horizontal mambo both from behind them and up ahead.

“Okay, you got me. It’s a porn studio”, Abraham confirmed, scratching the back of his head. “That a problem?”

“No”, Eugene shrugged again. “I am however uncertain how my particular skillset is supposed to contribute here. Does Woodbury Productions require tech support?”

Abraham coughed. “No, I don’t think they need tech support.”

“So why am I here?” Eugene questioned, his expression showing something other than polite indifference for the first time since they arrived. “You voiced the opinion that I would be able to bolster my income significantly with the aid of this venture, but it is not apparent to me how this is going to transpire.”

“Oh man, you really are something”, Abraham snorted, before adding: “You’re here because you’re hung like a horse.”

Eugene didn’t so much as blink. “My erectile tissue neither has a crest nor is it contained in a prepuce. Your comparison is invalid.”

“Figure of speech”, Abraham dismissed Eugene’s protest. “Fact is, you have a huge dick. And this is a porn studio. D’you see where I’m going with this?” 

Although Eugene was fairly certain his friend meant to convey that the implications were obvious, he felt compelled to argue. “Just because my intromittent organ is above average in size it does not follow that I am qualified to act in adult entertainment”, he pointed out, but Abraham just grinned.

“Trust me, that's the _only_ qualification you’re gonna need here. In fact, one might say you’re overqualified”. Abraham chortled at his own joke. “Anyway, Mr Blake, the boss, is a funny son of a bitch”, he continued, sobering up. “Everyone calls him Gov, as if he’s some sort of elected leader rather than the one and only stockholder of Woodbury Productions. That means his word is law here, and he doesn’t like people being smart with him, if you catch my drift. So leave the talking to me when we get to his office.”

“Understood”, Eugene nodded, and fell into step behind Abraham as the other man turned to lead him further down the corridor.

~~~~

What the warehouse seemed to lack in porn studio paraphernalia, Mr Blake’s office more than made up for. Situated at the very end of the corridor, it was a dark, windowless room clad in oak wood paneling. Spotlights illuminated a massive wooden desk, a collection of paintings depicting scenes of copulation that suffered from varying degrees of physical improbability, and a cabinet displaying about a dozen black dildos, each one bigger than the last. 

“Abraham! What can I do for you?” the man behind the desk greeted them. He was of indeterminate age with dark hair and a graying beard, exceedingly well dressed, and sported a black eye patch that covered his right eye.

Abe stepped up to the desk and smartly shook hands with him. “This is my roommate Eugene Porter”, he introduced. “He’s looking for a job, and I thought you might be interested in hiring him.”

“You did, did you”, Mr Blake commented, looking Eugene up and down with a raised eyebrow. “And why would I be?” he queried, before addressing Eugene directly: “You any good at sucking cock?” 

Eugene shrugged. “I have never applied suction to a male organ of urination and copulation before, but I do not believe it equates to the effort required to be successful in aerospace engineering.” 

There was a moment of silence during which Abraham furiously kicked Eugene’s ankle, then Mr Blake pointedly drummed his fingers on the desk. “I know you know I hate people wasting my time, Abraham”, he glowered. “So why the _fuck_ are you bringing me this 80s reject who has never blown anyone but feels qualified enough to say it’s not rocket science anyway?”

Abraham’s gaze flickered to the display cabinet on the far wall.

“You are not seriously trying to tell me he's going to be the next exhibit in my hall of fame, are you?” Mr Blake questioned, having noticed Abraham’s look.

But Abraham nodded. “Yessir, I am.”

While Mr Blake snorted disbelievingly, Eugene stepped around the desk to inspect the cabinet in question more closely. He quickly noticed that no two of the displayed phalli looked alike: Some were straight, some curved; some cut, some uncut; some veined, some smooth. They weren't sex aids, Eugene realised, but casts; presumably of the men who had been or were working for Woodbury Productions. 

Mr Blake observed Eugene with a smirk. “Well?” he queried. “Do you think you qualify?”

“No sir, I do not”, Eugene declared promptly, shaking his head. “Your shelves are too low.”

~~~~

“What do you mean, you can't put on the squirrel suit?” Martinez demanded irritably. He’d been warned that Eugene was ‘a little eccentric’, but that didn't even begin to cover it. He’d given Eugene Milton’s script, such as it was, and mullet boy had immediately begun arguing that squirrels would never mate with rabbits because they didn’t even belong to the same order, never mind the fact that squirrels were arboreal while rabbits were semi-fossorial, whatever the fuck that meant. It had taken Martinez a good 15 Minutes to convince Elvis that yes, under ‘artistic license’ - he couldn't believe he’d actually said that - squirrels did get it on with rabbits. All Eugene had to do to make it happen was put the squirrel suit on and screw the curvaceous ‘bunny’s’ brains out.

“I would make a rodent of quite unusual size”, Eugene insisted. “I don’t believe these exist.”

“Oh, for the love of…” Martinez rubbed his temples and took a deep breath. “Listen, pal, we’re not filming a nature documentary here, okay? Just put the damn squirrel suit on and fuck the bunny. And not another word about the likelihood of interspecies sex in the wild!!”

**Author's Note:**

> No squirrels or bunnies were harmed during the writing of this fic.


End file.
